We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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