lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
