i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
