the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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