Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
