Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
