Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
