so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
