I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
