i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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