you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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