You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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