She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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