Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
