im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
