Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
