I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
