my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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