Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
