mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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