What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
