Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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