Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
