remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
