On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
