If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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