Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
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Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
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Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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