I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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