At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
