Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
