My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
