i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
