This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
