Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
