I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
