shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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