did you get engaged???
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
