I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He? As in you personified your dick?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
