i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
