Your dad touched me again.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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