At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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