just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Someone signed my nipple.
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