he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
