I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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