Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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