it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
