ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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