We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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