please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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