We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
We named our party play list daddy issues
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We left the knife in your bed.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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