thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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