non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize