Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
