normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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