he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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