so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
