hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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