i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
