I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
